BEHIND THE SMOKESCREEN
SMOKESCREEN SYNOPSIS
Memories can be the sharpest of thorns. Like wilted roses we keep walking around with our heads down searching for light to provide warmth. So what happens when that ray pierces through the dust of your storm shelter? It illuminates the false comfort you’ve buried yourself in, highlights the scars you’ve tried to camouflage within and offers you a lifeline strong enough to pull you above ground instead of the thread you’ve been hanging by.
“Smokescreen” carries a narrative of emotional wounds that bloom into clarity. It descends just for a bit into the depths of very personal and mostly veiled mental battles before surfacing to reveal healing.
I’m trusting you to hear my hurt, now that it’s no longer misplaced. Emotions are too powerful to be improperly aimed.
A few of these poems were written in real time. However, most of the words came to me as I stumbled into the downward spiral that can often be identified as memory lane. Involuntarily remembering pain from my youth that hitched a ride and remained vividly in view on the route to adulthood before finally fading into the stability of art and testimony.
A smokescreen is designed to conceal. It will fog up even the brightest of eyes as it hides the pain clinging to your mind. Are you willing to lower your smokescreen? I’m unlocking mine. I know the skeleton key that opens every door. Does your broken heart feel so heavy you fear it might cave in? Is your soul dry? Do you disguise trauma with a smile? If depression wraps itself around you and anxiety breathes down your neck, I’d love to introduce you to the peace I met through the death and resurrection of a divine carpenter who rebuilt my tattered spirit.
Smokescreen is a collection of words that I hope might keep you company when you need a friend who understands. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe when we can’t escape ourselves, we can find safety in someone else. Maybe if we let each other cry, we won’t feel the need to hide. Even if tears soak into our pillowcases, the smoke doesn’t have to burn our eyes.
“A smile can blanket a bed of pain.”
-excerpt: a sense of silence
“However, that pain chapter, is over.”
This is the reason I decided to share my poetry &… the above photos. Not for pity, but for perspective & testimony.
During the “Smokescreen” cover shoot I was taken off guard & I broke in front of the camera. At first I tried to hold my breath & hold it back. That wasn’t gonna happen, so I almost stopped the shoot but instead I said “Well, the book is called Smokescreen right? Go ahead and capture what’s been behind mine.”
Crying is usually something to cover or quit, not to zoom in & focus on. It’s why I’m mostly looking to the side, I was having a very hard time not hiding my face, let alone stare into a lens.
I know I’m running the risk of being accused of seeking attention. I hesitated on sharing the tearful photos and I still am a bit as I write this but the next part should silence the stigma, because yes, this is my story, but it’s not about me:
The pain in those photos, I remember it very clearly, but I don’t really feel it that much anymore. That overwhelming reaction regarding the content in “Smokescreen” has never resurfaced again after this shoot (which was well over a year ago.) Even when filming & working on other parts of this project that I thought for sure would (& I even tried to) trigger tears. My emotions have been surprisingly still. I believe it’s for one reason.
I’ve been deeply healed
Even reading through the book I know I wrote—
I know the girl who wrote it
but I am not the same girl who wrote it
Sad memories still might make me sad
I might always be sensitive
& that’s okay
Sad things are allowed to be sad. However…
That pain chapter, is over.
& I honestly wouldn’t trade it for all the happy worldly happiness because that pain taught me so much, it showed me how to anchor to true joy when ominous waves try to drown me, it taught me how to trust Jesus fully rather than trusting in any of myself & it brought me closer to my gracious God in a way that, ironically, I have yet to find words for.
“My emotions were excruciating.”
PAST SUFFERING, PRESENT HEALING
Ever since I was a child, I always felt very nervous. I slowly started to recognize how severely this feeling affected my everyday life. Small, normal things were extremely intimidating to me. I battled bouts of crippling anxiety for years. Panic attacks accompanied by suicidal thoughts, depression and sudden sessions of deep heartache that often hit out of nowhere. I was walking around with an open wound. Some days I woke up and it felt like I was straining just to breathe. A constant lump lived in my throat, a weight rested on my chest and racing thoughts ran so fast through my mind, I couldn’t keep up. I would cry so hard it almost suffocated me and left my body sore for days. I prayed for grace and understanding. Some gave it, a few didn’t. This is a good place to mention how precious a best friend can be who never leaves your side, even when it’s scary for that person too. Judah, you’ve held my hand through countless tears and panic attacks, thank you for never letting go and praying for my breath to come back every single time.
I knew my soul was saved but I also knew my spirit was crushed and my emotions, were excruciating. Finally, I got sick enough. Sick of feeling scared, sick of feeling trapped, sick of fearing demonization from religious people, sick of trying to explain to people who didn’t listen and mostly, sick of myself.
I was sick of my heart feeling like it was caving in, like a wilted rose, too heavy for its stem to hold.
Have you ever peeled back the petals of a rose? There’s tears hiding within the layers. I found that true of my mind and heart too. The more walls I let down, the more layers I peeled back and the more God untangled my knots and dug up my roots, the more tears I would find — but these tears were different than the ones that blinded me. I was finally healing. They were tears of compassion, clarity and forgiveness. Like rain that washes away smog in the air to reveal the true landscape. I also realized that I had many thorns attached to me, that had the ability to accidentally scratch others when they tried to hold me.
While the poems in “Smokescreen” are definitely infused with my own personal experiences, I also wrote from a stance of speaking for those who feel they have no voice. I now rest in the One who created me. I am now free from the darkness that once wrapped itself around me, weighing me down like a wet blanket.
Do I still get anxious? Yes. but I no longer bow to it.
Why I chose “Smokescreen” as the title:
Smokescreen:
A MASS OF DENSE SMOKE PRODUCED TO CONCEAL AN AREA OR VESSEL FROM THE ENEMY.
SOMETHING INTENDED TO DISGUISE, CONCEAL, OR DECEIVE; CAMOUFLAGE.
The same word defines both of my experiences shared in this book. Definition one is parallel to how God goes before us, hiding and protecting us from the schemes of the enemy. Definition two can be compared to a smile worn as a shield when someone is actually hurting behind it.
The first half of “Smokescreen” leans on definition two and transitions into definition one.
Thank You
Three Owls Publishing:
A massive THANK YOU to my friend Shay and Three Owls Publishing for believing in & publishing my poetry! & to Lydia for your editing & input. You helped bring “Smokescreen” to sharper clarity and made me a better writer in the process & I’m so thankful for that!
Honored to have my debut poetry collection be part of the Three Owls lineup.
MORE THANK YOUS
To my friends that took their time to read the super scratchy rough draft of “Smokescreen” in the very beginning : thank you for being voices of encouragement with such a vulnerable project. You all helped steer my decision to let my words leave the safety of my journal. I love you all and appreciate your time, feedback, love and support.
& last but most : thank you to my Savior, the Carpenter who was nailed to a tree, who freed me from my suffering. Without Him, I may not have been alive to write down anything. Thank you Jesus for saving my soul and my life.
“I don’t want a record of being broken.”
Where to buy:
You may also find “Smokescreen” in coffee shops, bookstores, record stores and cafes around the Orlando area. Ask your local bookstore to carry it!
“Maybe, if you let me cry…”
MAYBE : A PROLOGUE TO SMOKESCREEN
“Maybe” is a prologue in the form of song for “Smokescreen.” The imagery in the video is pulled directly from the context in my poems & is symbolic of people, emotions or memories. “Maybe” is just the opening scene. It unlocks my smokescreen. Maybe, this song will weep with those who weep.
Out now on all music platforms.
ELECTRIC BLUE
the soundtrack to “Smokescreen” including “Maybe” and featuring collaborations with MASSIVESAD & David Pataconi. Out Now.
Not Quite Done Yet
This whole “Smokescreen” concept has came out in pieces, stay tuned for the finishing touch;
