King In Me : written poem
Photo: Judah Mikah
you
you insisted
you twisted me like a jelous lover
you turned me against myself
and against others
you have even deceived me
leading me into calling the spirit a liar
i smothered his fire as i suffered
in a split second of deadly desire
many times i could’ve taken my life
but my breath hadn’t yet expired
down to the wire
the truth is i kept fighting
for myself
by myself
and i got too tired
by the time i can’t feel the difference
between a smile or a frown
that’s about the same time
they say to calm down
thats about the timing
when they say i’m tiring
oh, i’m so sorry
why don’t you go lie down
with no grace period
no pause button
gravity is pressing play
pressuring me into depression
my hope decaying like a cavity
displaying the picture of a mind in captivity
it’s so intense when i’m in full defense
anyone watching this it’s like a lunar eclipse
the moon can make me a lunatic
but the nervous tick is the clock
i wish i could rewind and get back the time
i missed
now wasted in the mist of the early morning
in the midst of mourning
the dreams i lost
if only i could get the night back
i’d sleep
but now it’s sunday and i’m hiding my wrists
and wearing long sleeves
in the sanctuary
blame it on the air conditioning
the traditional distancing
yeah it’s cold
but the bitterness isn’t coming from the temperature
it’s not coming from the sepulcher
or anything secular
it’s from the body of christ that’s gone icy
you feel chilled to the bone
when guilt gets you alone
compassion marked up
i guess it’s too pricey
when death on a cross is the cost
yeah i bet death to yourself
doesn’t look too enticing
i wouldn’t want you to sacrifice
your time set aside for unwinding
you can rebuke me for gambling
meanwhile you’re rambling
how you want to be used
by the almighty
just look to your side
you’re ignoring the abused
condemning those who to you
their life is just a lesson
in your gossip session
that you properly disguise
by calling it prayer intercession
just to stay in a churchy loop
simultaneously
your brother or sister
could’ve missed the meeting
missed the message
because they’re busy taking a beating
and learning how to tie their own loop
drawing their own lines
silently
a fatal smile that hides your hurting friend
or that person you wave to every weekend
as you rush out to play and go home
you don’t even notice they’re at the end of their rope
you’re not even aware how severely
they need a manifestation of hope
because you’re too busy looking
in the mirror mirror
who has the most
whatever
however
some people only appear happy as ever in their instagram posts
you wouldn’t mock the broken leg that wears a cast
but you’ll lock up and block out
the broken mind that wears a mask
this stigma is a killer
those who already live in fear
and in the false safety of their darkness
are afraid to come to the light
because they’ll take the blame
then shame instigates a fight
because other people are afraid
of unfamiliar darkness
afraid
of things like invisible illness
afraid
only because
they “can’t possibly understand how...”
fill in the blank
so you judge from a safe distance
in jesus name
with this false pretense
that christians aren’t allowed to hurt
or be weak
or else they’re just not strong enough in their beliefs
that brings me to my knees
lord show them please
the truth
is that we have an empathetic high priest
one who cares about our every need
if you truly believe salvation looks like perfection on earth
then religion is the culprit
and my friends you’ve been brainwashed
by robots in the pulpits
brave enough to finally ask for help
then people accuse you of being selfish?
because as soon as you mention it
you’re “playing the victim”
and “being rebellious”
if i talk about it or make art through it
i’m glamorizing it?
really?!
this is just how i’m feeling
tell me then
are they romanticizing divorce
when couples seek healing?
the other popular response
that holds your hands locked
is they might think you’re throwing yourself
a pity party
it doesn’t even work that way
if i wanted you to feel bad for me
i wouldn’t pretend to be strong
and say i’m okay
every single day
what i fight with doesn’t even let me walk into the kitchen without
feeling in the way
i don’t want your attention
trust me
sometimes i just speak out
because i desperately need someone
to pray
but instead of allowing me to pray
and receive thoroughly
this thing starts preying
on my insecurities
suddenly scared to ask for prayer
because needing help is embarrassing
the second i get comfortable
it loves to remind me of people in
quote “ministry”
i’ve heard confirming and sharing
how people asking them for prayer
has in itself become the annoying
burdens they are bearing
but i’m sure it’s just me
my fault for misunderstanding
words clearly spoken
call me uncertain and pull the curtain
on this performance
i’m so sorry i’m still learning
it’s just my heart is killing me
aching
my heart is burning and breaking
for those who fight alone
because i know it’s terrifying
and i know there’s so many
sometimes i think
maybe if i just shut my mouth
my mind won’t show its broken colors
but the enemy can only steal my voice if i make the choice
to leave the doors unlocked
and stay smothering
under the covers
i don’t want to be entangled in sin
i don’t want my words mangled within me
til when they finally come out it sounds like rage rising like melanin
in the summer sun
but it won’t kiss your skin
it’ll damage and poison the soul that swims within
burning you deeply
til the third degree hits the dry bones
confirming whether or not
you truly agree
with what you believe in
this enemy will continue to have victories
just as smoke rises
as it chokes out in crisis
and criticizes
until the church recognizes
that despite the same god
we don’t all wear the same sizes
honestly
i’ve often wanted to escape
this person i’m reflecting
this person that looks back at me
with pain that’s all internal
a life without it i don’t know
but i’m starting to
as the healing begins to show
if i ever have a glow on my face
it’s only the presence of god
who has drenched me with grace
i can die to myself
without losing my life
for i have been crucified with christ
almost ironically like
an upside down spiritual suicide
where only your pain dies
but you are new
your past is deceased
you’re reborn into peace
self defense is a weapon
i no longer need
i vow to surrender
my redeemer fights for me
so i can just
breathe
i’m not afraid of the dark
the dark bows to the king in me
- Londyn Rayne
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